Ever found yourself using the silent treatment in your relationship or your partner using the silent treatment on you? In this article, this will be our main focus to best help you understand and navigate through his phase that gets in the way of relationship /marital bliss.

According to Gottman, the founder of four horsemen. Stonewalling is a maladaptive unhealthy behavior that involves disengaging from a situation without having to take full responsibility for your actions.

For example, if you feel attacked by your partner, you may suddenly become silent to indicate that you are not hurting. However, you are still breaking in the situation. Does this sound familiar to you?

Using silent treatment to manipulate and gain control of the problem, and avoid conflict/pain is known as “PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOUR”It is not a healthy way for any relationship to exist most of the time it leads to divorce as end result 

Dealing with a partner who plays this game can create many problems in the relationship because it makes you feel angry, frustrated, sad, and, more importantly, confused.

When your partner plays the silent treatment game, they don’t know how to handle or deal with the situation. In a healthy relationship, each partner has the ability and capacity to communicate their emotions with their partner.

Mostly, if you were brought up by parents who did not have healthy communication, you are more susceptible to using the silent treatment. Remember that both partners are equally responsible for the relationship’s success.

If you find yourself playing the quiet treatment game on your partner, you and your partner must understand that this behaviour is not healthy.

In a relationship where you feel attacked or criticized by your partner, the basic instinct for survival kicks in, and you find yourself looking for ways to protect yourself from the pain of criticism.

Many people stonewall because they lack awareness and know how to deal with the situation.

You may also want to take control of the problem, hence applying silence. Suppose your partner is consistently negative in verbal attacks on you, and you do not feel good enough.

In that case, you are more likely to use silence to show your partner that they did something wrong or because of your past abusive history where violence was used against you by an intimate partner.

This article will provide tools to unlock the power of communication and intimacy with your partner in a stressful situation.

Intentions of Stonewalling

There are different motives that you can have for stonewalling your partner.

To Get You Attention

You attempt to gain control over your partner by making them feel bad and therefore show you some love. Underneath this intention are a neediness and a need for your partner to feel sorry for you.

This intention is more of a defense mechanism, meaning you are trying to protect yourself from your partner’s attack.

You feel justified in this behaviour because it makes you feel less vulnerable in the relationship.

To Get Into Control

Here this is how you find comfort in the relationship. You believe that if you were not in control of your partner, they would be unable to do anything right.

You want to stop your partner from making you feel bad, so you take silence as your weapon.

To Create Emotional Distance

Where you are protecting yourself from your partner, but passively, you don’t want to feel hurt, so you build. emotional walls you can depend on.

You create distance between your partner and yourself by using the silent treatment.

To Express Your Anger in Unhealthy Way

It can come in different forms and is always done in a passive-aggressive way. You desperately try to communicate all your emotions to your partner, but you don’t know how to process or release them.

You are unable to verbalize your feelings or use the correct intention.

Instead of verbally communicating your sense or using a powerful message, you reveal their weaknesses and imperfections using complex and direct language, which makes you feel better about yourself.

WHY DO LOVEBIRDS/PEOPLE STONE WALL?

1. Intense Lack of Safety

In a relationship with uncertainty, lack of respect, and intimacy, you may sometimes shut down to protect yourself from your partner.

Wanting to feel safe and secure in your relationship, you are afraid that your partner will shut you down if you are vulnerable.

Instead of getting hurt by your partner’s actions, you withdraw and begin to act passive-aggressive.

2. Too Much Unresolved Conflict

If there is a lot of conflict between the two of you, you may shut down to deflect the aggression and pain from your partner.

If you withdraw, then your partner will feel safe and confident.

Instead of listening to the hurtful accusations and criticisms, you shut down, creating a power imbalance in the relationship, which becomes one-sided, and both parties face the pain alone.

3.Bitterness

Sometimes, the relationship is a constant battle between the two of you. You are so hurt and angry by your partner’s actions that you do not want to deal with them or them with you.

You feel like there is no way to resolve each other’s pain, so you give each other the silent treatment.It is like a rebellion against the relationship and your partner by ensuring you never get what you want.

4.Fear of Change

Relationships require both parties to work on the relationship. If one of the partners wants to change and the other party doesn’t, it creates a lot of resentment, frustration, and anxiety.

You want things to be different, but you are afraid they will reject you if you reach out to your partner.

Therefore, you may shut down to protect yourself from rejection and failure in the relationship.

Most people respond to stonewalling by being angry and arguing with their partners. It makes you feel you must continue doing it to get the desired result.

When the other partner does not respond as you want, you are hurt and feel more inclined to give them the silent treatment again.

It creates a downward spiral of pain, a sign of a very unhealthy relationship.

USEFUL WAYS TO NAVIGATE THROUGH THE MALADPTIVE BEHAVIOUR OF STONE WALLING IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP.

The first thing you need to recognize is that your partner has independence. You cannot control them or their behaviour.

All you can do is inform your partner of how you feel when they are doing something to hurt or anger you.

Your partner may feel like you are not being open and honest about your feelings or that you think that they are a terrible person.

If it is the case, then it is time for both of you to learn how to communicate with each other healthily.

1. Practice Active Listening

When attacked or criticized for something, actively listen to your partner’s complaints and accusations.

Please pay attention to their words and thoughts, but keep your emotions out of them.

If you believe you are in the wrong and need to correct your behaviour, work hard to change it so your relationship can be even better.

2.Show You Understand.

It is essential to show the other person that you understand their feelings and where they are coming from. But before you do this, ensure you genuinely listen to them.

Do not just wait for them to be finished talking before you start defending yourself. Ensure your partner knows you care about what they say and why they feel like they do.

3. Be Vulnerable to Yourself

There’s no way your spouse will ever understand your feelings without being open and honest about it.

You can only expect them to be relaxed while they can trust their partner. Only you can be open and open up to your partner. It is crucial to building up trust between the two of you.

4.Be calm

If you calmly treat your partner, they are more likely to react better to what you are trying to tell them.

Trusting your partner enough to speak with them about your feelings without feeling attacked or criticized would be best.

You and your partner need to develop a connection with each other so that you can resolve issues in a better manner, and the use of stonewalling will stop.

5.Relationship Counseling

If you or your partner is having problems in the relationship and you are constantly stuck in the battle of stonewalling, then it is time to seek professional help.

The counsellor’s job is to act as a mediator between both partners while at the same time giving them space to express their feelings.

Counsellors are trained to help people not only in understanding their feelings and problems but also help them understand the feelings and problems of others.

In conclusion, stonewalling is not a healthy or loving way to handle conflict within relationships. It has been shown that if one partner stonewalls the other, it can cause resentment toward the partner.

By recognizing the signs of stonewalling and what causes it, you can begin to work on resolving your relationship problems instead of using stonewalling as a solution.

One way to start fixing your relationship problems is by communicating openly with your partner and working on your emotional development.

Next time you are tempted to shut down, share how you feel and what needs are not being met in the relationship.

In case you are in this kind of situation that is affecting your relationship /marriage and wondering what to do we got you sorted. Professional help is available.

About the Writer

Caroline M Mwangi,   Counsellor,Psychologist