Do you want to break free from patterns of maladaptive behavior within your family system and your generation?

One of the most common generational patterns within the family system is detouring. It causes hiccups within the multigenerational family system.

Before you go too far, let’s define these terms.

Detouring – By definition, this means deviating from a set course or route to go somewhere else or change from the usual procedure. It could be done to avoid something.

Multigenerational Family System – This is the system that affects different generations in your family.

It starts with your children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren, and the cycle continues.It is a way of escaping and avoiding the issue at hand. Bowen 1978, defines, detouring as a situation where two parties who are in conflict, escape the issue at hand and channel their energy towards a different force from the ‘hot issue’ they have.

A good example is when you conflict with your spouse/partner and you are not ready to deal with the emotions, the pain, and the negative energy/feelings that come with the disagreement.

You decide to channel the feelings and attention toward the child who is not partisan to the ongoing conflict, therefore, escaping the conflict.

This can manifest itself in different ways:

1.The child takes the heat

You become critical and harsh/strict towards your child. Your child gets punished for things they normally wouldn’t and all the negative emotions like anger, and bitterness are displaced on innocent child who becomes the punching bag.

2.The child enjoys overcompensation

You may give more attention and affection to your young one to make up for not getting it from your partner during conflict or for not giving it to your partner.

HOW DOES THIS PATTERNS AFFECT YOUR GENERATION?

Butterfly in a pool of water

What is the ripple effect?

SHORT-TERM EFFECTS.

You temporarily deal with the heat of the moment.

Focusing on another place to take your energy will temporarily allow the cooling down of the conflict as you work on the resolution.

You get to process the negative emotions

As you channel the energy toward the third party, you can analyze the source of the feeling and learn how to deal with the conflict rationally. Allows you time to reflect and then deal with the emotions.

Provides temporary relief

You feel like you have someone that cares for you and who isn’t the source of your pain at the moment. You include an innocent party in something they are not part of.

LONG TERM EFFECTS

It becomes your defense mechanism If detouring is not used to help in short-term conflict resolution and to come up with a solution, it becomes a lifestyle.

When this happens, it builds negative precedence on how to escape disagreements.

Creates a path for avoidance

If not handled healthily, you can use detouring to run away from dealing with difficult situations with your spouse. Emotional conflicts are hard, therefore, avoiding them is so much easier than dealing with them.

Emotional Unavailability

As you keep escaping issues through detouring. Your partner may constantly feel like you do not care enough to solve the issues, therefore, causing even more emotional disturbance and strain to the family.

Unhealthy expectations

You may expect the wrong kind of love from the wrong person.You expect your children to understand you in a way that only your spouse should/can.

Division within the family

This can cause unnecessary tension in the family because it is usually very clear when two people are in disagreement.

You can even go as far as poisoning your child against one parent, therefore, creating partiality when your children handle your spouse.

It can lead to a breakup

This is an unhealthy communication style that may eventually lead to the end of your relationship.

Generational continuity

It is important to acknowledge that your children see what you do. They may not understand it, but they easily pick up things that are healthy/unhealthy.

This becomes a coping mechanism even when dealing with you, they give more attention to one parent if they are in disagreement with you.

Can lead to aggression

This means that when detouring happens (in the long term), you do not process all your feelings. Pss .unprocessed negative emotions lead to resentment and this may lead to anger outbursts and aggression, sometimes it is uncalled for.

It may seem harmless at first, but could potentially cause agony, anguish, and damage within the entire family system and trickle down to your generation. What effect of detouring have you experienced? Feel free to share your experience in the comment section.

HOW DO YOU STOP DETOURING?

Businesswoman hand stopping the domino wooden effect concept for business.

If this is part of your routine, it is time to put an end to this. Let us discuss how you can do that.

Face your conflict

When having disagreements with someone which are times are invietable. You can take some time apart to cool off and think about how to work on the issue, however, eventually, you need to face it and discuss what the problem is. You need to confront the issue head-on instead of looking for ways to run away from it.

Take responsibility

According to Bowen, Blaming others is also a way to detour therefore escape from the consequences of the problem you should face.By accepting responsibility you can work towards a healthy resolution of conflict.

Stop dragging non-partisan people to your disagreement

Learn to deal with a problem with whomever you have a problem with.

Learn healthy coping mechanisms

Active listening and empathy leads to healthy conflict resolution methods as opposed to detouring.

Process your emotions

Allow yourself to feel negative emotions as opposed to running away from them. Research proves that it is natural for every human being to have positive and negative emotions at different times in life. Therefore escaping the not-so-pleasant emotions is inevitable.

Consider reaching out for professional help/ counseling 

This will allow you to explore patterns that may have led to this kind of behavior and even bring to the surface the underlying issues tied to detouring.

You may have even learned it from your birth family and therefore used it as your coping mechanism in your current family.

This will help you break the cycle. Work on your self-esteem – Statistics prove that children from unhealthy family systems learn their behavior from their parents.

Working on your esteem

Statistics prove that children from unhealthy family systems learn their behaviour from their parents. Working on your empowers your family and role models the way your children should or will handle things in the future. What other action steps can you take to stop detouring in your relationship and family?

IT ENDS WITH YOU

Istock photos

In conclusion, you have to intentionally choose to deal with detouring. It not only affects you, but it also affects your family and your generation.

You may even be a product of detouring. In Kenya, a report published by Transform Nations under the man enough program stated that out of 3000 children, 80% of them had a bad relationship with their fathers.

You may be aware that there are myriads of underlying issues to explain this. But, I am certain that some of them include irreconcilable issues within couples and families that may be caused multigenerational issues.

These issues have eaten the family system from its roots causing instant death of relationships and finally the family. If you avoid issues by involving third parties.

Detouring, blaming others, victimization of self, and ignoring self-work that begins with identifying patterns in your generation that may have repeated themselves. It may cause the end of your relationship and completely affect your family.

Studies shows that the human brain is wired to mimic the environment within which you are raised. Therefore, it is imperative that you are careful about how you deal with conflicts, or else, they will be your family’s toxic/healthy trademark. Your family may have to heal from your choices or suffer because of them.

Hand flip over wooden cube block with head human symbol and light bulb icon. Concept creative idea and innovation. Istock photos

As you work on this, seek help and support from a counselor, who will notice the escapism and help challenge that. Family and Couple therapy is one of the most underrated forms of psychotherapy as it involves vulnerability with your partner and family.

However, it is inevitably rewarding as it solves your issues, your family’s problems, and the difficulties of your most important relationships as it addresses the root causes of your emotional disturbances.

The best part of it is that, as neglected as it is, it can serve as the bedrock of a strong and healthy society. The family unit is the foundation on which a healthy society is built.

As you work on spotting multigenerational traumas caused by unhealthy communication patterns like detouring, you get a chance to build a society that is healing-led.

Do you want to have a healthy multigenerational family system? We are here for you, professional help is available. You can overcome the odds!  

About the Guest Writer,

Sheila K. Muli

Counselor, Speaker, and Trainer Email: toolwellnesshub@gmail.com