Do you expect everyone to be as ‘perfect’ as you? Does everyone have to meet your said standards of work? Do you allow others autonomy of method and formula as long as you get the desired result, or do they have to do things your way? Do you expect so much from other people?

ANAL RETENTIVENESS

Photo: Istock Photos

Anal retentiveness or anal personality is a fixation that is said to have come from the anal stage in Freudian Psychoanalytic stages of development. In Psychoanalysis, we look at the five psychosexual stages of human development, a theory developed by Sigmund Freud, and the eight psychosocial stages of human development that Erik Erikson developed.

Anal retention comes from learning fecal retention at a young age during toilet training. Owing to that, you become obsessed with details, which could annoy others. You become Mr. /Miss problem seer. Anywhere you step in, you see an issue with the current state of affairs. You expect other people to see things as you do.

Such behavior, among others you will explore as you keep reading, will benefit you and others but may also be detrimental to you and your relationships.

PSYCHOSEXUAL STAGES OF DEVELOPMENT

According to Sigmund Freud, your personality develops during early childhood, during the first seven years of your life. Your childhood experiences determine the development of your personality. When not given parental care or nurturing, you become fixated on the specific stage, developing certain personality traits.

Freud believed that children have pleasure-seeking points/urges associated with specific parts of the body (erogenous zones) that determine the stage of development from birth. Every human being has sexual energy, called the libido, and this is a life instinct. The erogenous zones are the mouth, the anus, and the genitalia. Out of these parts, he developed five stages.

Oral Stage

Image: Istock Photos

This stage begins when you are born to two years old. At this age, you only know one pleasure point: your mouth. It comes from suckling on your mother’s breasts, so anything you see goes into the mouth. The mouth is the initial pleasure point due to the reward you get from milk.

At this level, infants are instinctual and get what they want when they want. During weaning, your parents teach you delayed gratification and self-control. If you don’t navigate this stage well, you grow impatient and do not learn self-control. You do what you want, how you want, when you want to, and do not care about how it affects others.

When fixated there, you develop an oral fixation, which later leads to overeating, drinking, smoking, or other traits that give pleasure from the mouth.

Anal Stage

Photo: Getty Images

This stage occurs at two years to 3 years of age, which is the toilet training age. At this stage, children enjoy touching anything and playing with fecal matter. Depending on how you navigate this stage, being very clean, and having a strict or freelance toilet training routine, you learn to expel or retain fecal matter.

If your parents raised you in a village setting, you probably had freelance toilet training. You relieve yourself anywhere, anytime, using the bush as a toilet, and that affects how chilled, relaxed, and generous you are as an adult.

If your parents raised you in an urban setting, you could be extremely cautious of such due to higher hygiene levels and therefore taught to retain matter and excessive cleanliness so as not to be in contact with poop.

Any of the cases above can develop anal aggressiveness (over-generosity, recklessness, being rowdy) or anal retentiveness characterized by hoarding, withholding, focusing on tiny details/obsessive behaviors, possessiveness, shirking, need for personal space, etc.

Phallic Stage

This stage occurs from three years to six years. At this level, you are aware of your genitals and, therefore, interact with them a bit often. You play children’s games like doll games and “cha mama” games (mum and dad games), and you become curious and even ask about pregnancy, childbirth, your body parts, etc.

Depending on how you relate with your parents, you can develop the Oedipus complex or Electra complex.

Latency Stage

Here, it is from 7 years to 11 years. At this level, you are not as concerned about your sexuality as other things. It is where you develop your skills and creativity, e.g., art, games, music, and intellectual capacity. You are more concerned about same-gender interactions and groupings within gender-based cliques.

At this point, the erogenous zones have little or no impact on you as a child.

Genital Stage

The age for this stage is about twelve years to death. At this point, you have achieved genital maturity and can reproduce. The thoughts you got in the phallic stage now come alive, and you become curious about the things of the opposite gender.

You have a lot of sexual energy that you release through social activities such as games. Success at this stage is determined by how you negotiate the phallic stage.

TRAITS ASSOCIATED WITH ANAL RETENTIVENESS

1. Orderliness and Procedural

Photo: Getty Images

Someone with anal retentiveness is usually very organized and orderly. It is such a great trait as, of course, it helps others get things done. You are procedural, simplify, and break things down.

A flip side to that is you may be so stuck in order and procedures that it deters the freedom and creativity of those working with or under you since, you know the how, you are not open to discovering that there are a thousand ways to kill a rat. You may expect so much from other people.

2. Frugality

It is commonly known as stinginess, whereby you do not want to spend your money. At times, you are frugal even with yourself, not only others. You always want to cut costs and use other people’s things while sparing yours, etc.

3. Hoarding and Possessiveness

Anal retentiveness brings about hoarding, where you cannot let go of things. Or you hold on to what may be unhealthy or doesn’t serve a purpose anymore. Clenching and holding on tightly to people and things you should release.

4. Loving your personal space

You value your private and personal space and mark your boundaries when it comes to close access. You are unwilling to let others in and are very picky about whom you trust, whom you spend your time with, and who you interact with.

In contrast, you may find it hard to cohabit with others or share space as you are very particular about your things and area. That could be repulsive and bring disharmony among your peers, siblings, or family.

5. Meanness

Photo: Getty Images

By having anal retentiveness, you become mean. You become selfish and self-centered and never consider others, no matter the situation. It is like it is a me-world. You constantly want to receive but do nothing to serve others and fill their cups.

The ability to share is a concept you are not very open to engaging in. It becomes difficult to be considerate of other people’s time, effort, or investment if it doesn’t suit you the way you’d want it to. Just like a child, you are unwilling to be generous.

6. Controlling

You say something, and others follow. When you say jump, you want others to ask how high. You are not open to allowing others to take initiative. In other cases, you micromanage or even do their work since they are not up to par. You expect so much from other people, yet they cannot meet your said (sometimes even uncommunicated) expectations.

7. Strict

There is no room for error. When you make an error, you are too hard on yourself and beat yourself up, affecting your self-esteem. You become ashamed as if no one makes mistakes. The same applies to others. You punish them for minor errors that human beings make.

It is unfair to you and others because “Man is to error.” No one is perfect, and one way or another, we are all bound to fall, disappoint, or make mistakes. If you do not give room for others or even yourself to fail, it becomes harder to live a peaceful life.

Falling, many at times, allows you to learn the most. As you get up, you sharpen your skills, give others more grace, explore new and efficient ways of doing stuff, and, therefore, grow in the process. You need to be careful not to expect so much from other people giving them no allowance for error.

8. Rigid/Stuck in their ways

You know the saying, “It is either my way or the highway.” You may lack the openness to listen to other methods of doing things or different opinions, and that rigidity brings discord and strains your relationships.

As you reflect, which of these eight traits do you have and need to work on?

DO YOU EXPECT SO MUCH FROM OTHER PEOPLE?

Image: Istock Photos

Allow us to reiterate the question as you read: do you think you expect so much from other people? Do you set standards only you can meet and then become disappointed when others do not?

If you find yourself in this situation, remember that you are different and unique, and others cannot think the same or do things like you. You may expect so much from someone who has anal aggression and, therefore, will feel disappointed in how they work instead of focusing on the strengths they bring to the table.

Please learn how to use your and other people’s strengths to your advantage instead of trying to make others think like you and do things your way. Your differences make you compatible and, therefore, work as a better team because you are not the whole package either.

Achieving a balance between anal aggression and anal retention is paramount. All extremes are detrimental to your healthy interaction with others. Through therapy, you get to explore the fixation and work on it. Book a session with us today, and let us walk with you.

You can overcome the odds. Professional help is available for you and your loved one.

Writer,

Sheila K. Muli