TIT for TAT Mind Games That Could Destroy Your Relationships and Marriage.  Isn’t it about time to change maladaptive behaviour, habit or rather change the manipulative patterns that could be sabotaging your relationships/marriages?

These mental games that you could be playing in the name of “tit for tat is a fair game” are not only unhealthy but maladaptive behaviour as well.  Let us talk about how fair or maybe, unfair this game could be.

Personally, I have been in a similar situation, where I did something for me. John, let us call him that, liked spending time with his ‘boys’ (male friends) a lot. John spent time with them playing play station and enjoying some jolly male banter.

Quality time with me, was a dream. I didn’t feel good about that because John spent all the time with me when he was pursuing me and now that we were courting, he did not have time for me but had time for his friends.

I didn’t want to communicate that to John. I wasn’t open enough to share how much it hurt me, so instead, I started hanging out with the ‘girls’ too.

The hangouts were all fun and games until someday I slept over at my friend’s place till morning. The next day, I went back home to find John angry.

That had never happened before, so I tried to explain to John what happened but he wasn’t ready to listen to me because he didn’t believe me. He thought I was having an affair with another gentleman.

Instead of listening and finding out the credibility of the information I gave him, John decided to go out to a nightclub with his friends to deal with the pressure and anger he felt, in other words, ‘to relieve some steam.’

Image: Martin Lopez

He went to the nightclub and did not come home just to spite me. I knew I hadn’t done a mistake but knew John wanted to intentionally hurt/punish me.

How do you think the story ended? What do you think John and I would have done differently?

WHAT ARE THESE GAMES FOR? These are mental games of revenge. In street language, we can say ‘YOU DO ME, I DO YOU’.

Simply put, (SWEET REVENGE MISSION). In the context of marriage and relationships, this happens when your partner does something wrong, you do something that will hurt them the same way they hurt you.

According to Gottaman a famous psychologist, he opines that there are four horsemen leads to divorces in a marriage. One of them is ;Stone Walling where one partner emotionally withdrawals and shutdowns. What these Horsemen do, they escalate conflicts and damage the relationship.

So, What Are The Ripple Effects of Tit-for-Tat Mind Games?

My mentor once told me to always look at things in the short term and long term. Every choice you make has short-term effects and long-term effects. Let’s put this into perspective

SHORT TERM EFFECTS IT FEELS FUN.

 You begin to feel the thrill and adrenaline rush when you “return the favor” to your spouse/partner. For instance, when your partner refuses to give you money for the salon to do your nails and your hair, in return you decide to withhold their “marital privileges” or as some of the younger people may call it, “bedminton”.

The happiness you feel when you hear your spouse/partner ask or even beg for it. You feel like you are the puppet master and you are the one in charge, the ‘‘TOP DOG’’ in this case.

They are under your mercy just like you were under their mercy when you needed the salon money. These are narcissistic tendency that keeps you trapped in these unhealthy behaviours.

YOU GET WHAT YOU WANT

The intention of all this is to get your partner to feel the way you feel/felt. Trust me, you will achieve that. They will feel pain, they will feel as disrespected as you did, they will cry, they will beg and the key thing they will be humbled that is the ultimate goal.

IT GIVES YOU BARGAINING POWER. YOU FIND YOUR VOICE.

You can ask for something from the other party and you’ll get it. This is because they don’t have an option.

YOU GET YOUR PARTNER’S ATTENTION.

If you feel like your partner doesn’t listen to you, now you get their attention. Sometimes, you’ll even get more than their attention but even their affection at that time by use of manipulative patterns. Have you ever felt this way after doing this to your partner?

LONG TERM EFFECTS

Image: Elijah Akala

IT BUILDS MISTRUST

Your partner sleeps out or goes out with her friends at night. You go out with your friends for 2 days to punish them. The next time you go for 3 days, they do the same.

There is zero communication within this relationship therefore you cannot count on your partner to uphold your vows. You no longer believe that they are with their friends anymore.

You start going through your partner’s phone, and emails and even following them physically, to confirm if they are telling you the truth.  How long do you think this would last?

IT CREATES TENSION

You are constantly looking over your shoulder wondering what your partner has planned next.  Sometimes you’ve made a mistake (unintentionally) but because your partner may revenge, you are constantly on edge. This means your relationship is on the rock or a ticking time bomb.

YOU STOP HAVING A RELATIONSHIP, YOU START HAVING A BUSINESS.

Your partner knows you enough to give you what you want because there’s something they may need later or need at that time. Everything within the marriage/relationship becomes transactional.

If you are not gaining something, you will not do it. Isn’t that what we call being “under compulsion”? The difference is you are not under active  compulsion but under passive compulsion. You are doing something you may not agree with  only because it is motivated by a future need or want.

IT KILLS COMMUNICATION.

If you have an issue, will you talk to your partner?  You seize to share your weaknesses, your down times, whenever you need help, and when you  are happy or sad because secrets start brewing inside even if it is unnecessary. You think your  partner would use what you share as a weapon against you. Your vulnerability becomes their  sword. What is a relationship without openness?

IT CAUSES LONG-TERM PAIN

These mind games are disrespectful, demeaning, dishonest, hurtful, manipulative, and  unfulfilling. The pain will be unbearable because you love your partner. The games just mask the  pain at the moment but as you sit with yourself, you will not ignore the real effect it has on you  because of the emotional investment.

IT WILL CHANGE YOU

At the end of it all, your character, your core values, your beliefs, and principles will change. The  person you were at the beginning of the relationship and the person that you are now will be day  and night. You will look back at the amazing person you perceived yourself to be and that would be history.  Your behavior will have changed and your identity will be different.

IT WILL LEAD TO MORE UNHEALTHY COPING MECHANISMS

To cope with the effects of these tit-for-tat games, some other unhealthy coping styles like infidelity and indulgence in drugs will emerge. You will start drinking alcohol, smoking ‘weed'(bhang), sleeping around with other men or women to mask what you are feeling at the  time or even keep the game going.

END OF THE RELATIONSHIP

Finally, one of you will get tired of the games and pull the plug. In the long run, is this game fair or unfair to you. At first, it is all fun and games until you play the tape till the end. If you do things based on the  short-term effects, it may get you what you want now but it will make you lose what you need in  the future.

Tit for tat is an easier route to dealing with issues in the short term instead of what seems hard like communicating, vulnerability, openness, understanding, listening, patience, empathy, and sacrifice. Tit for tat is an easy way to save your pride and therefore lift your ego.

Healthy relationships are built on humility, not pride. These wonderful qualities are nurtured by selflessness which is a quality that is too expensive to ‘buy’, especially in this generation where you want the world to revolve around you. Where everything has to benefit you.

Tit for tat is a selfish game that will kill your relationships. A relationship is based on love, and that is never 50/50. There are instances when you will pull more weight than your partner and vice versa. That’s the real meaning of partnership.

Your husband will pull more weight in paying bills than you will, your wife will pull more weight in running the household than you will, and vice versa. There are times when your partner’s logic will carry the day and come up with a long-term solution and there will be times your partner’s emotional intelligence and intuition will save a relationship that could otherwise have failed.

You don’t have to choose the way that will bring a short-term effect, even when that feels like the best option at that moment. Being mature enough to overlook the short-term feelings and look at the long-term consequences of your choice is what has built long-lasting marriages and relationships.

Reset the buttons and start doing things differently now. Are you stuck in this vicious cycle and would like to break it? Seek help from us. We are here for you.

About the Author,

Sheila K. Muli Counsellor, Trainer and Speaker