Are you in the ‘line of fire’ because of another person? Have you been punished for someone’s mistake, but because you are a good friend/person/sibling, you were okay doing that because you care for them? That’s what is called the martyr complex. Let us find out how you know you have a martyr complex.

WHAT IS MARTYR COMPLEX

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The word comes from the root word martyr, which means a person that sacrifices something valuable, for example, their life, for the sake of something they stand for, like, faith, a belief system, a principle, a person they love, or a political view.

As a result, a martyr complex is sacrificing yourself for the sake of others and serving others at the expense of yourself.

HOW TO KNOW YOU HAVE MARTYR COMPLEX

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1. Dealing with other people’s responsibilities

It is common at work or school where you are to work as a team. The deliverables are clear for everyone. When the deadline approaches, your colleagues come to you for help, and you take it upon yourself to do their work like a savior.

In addition, this also happens when your colleague delegates a job delegated to them to avoid certain kinds of unpleasant work. A lot of interns take the heat on this one. If an error occurs, your colleague can even throw you under the bus, leading to your termination of employment.

Please don’t get it twisted; helping your team members isn’t bad, but is it a habit? Is it something you do every so often? Are you having to sacrifice now and then? If that’s the case, you are dealing with a martyr complex.

Know where you draw the line between helping others and doing someone’s work and later feeling used, frustrated, and bitter. Is it help or self-sabotage?

2. Being punished for something you didn’t do.

Let me share my personal experience. When I was younger, I once told my parents to punish me for something my siblings did. Sometimes, when my parents beat either of them, I would cry until they stopped. It worked sometimes; however, knowing African parents, I’d get a beating myself because ‘inaonekena natafuta kilio’ translated to ‘it seems like I’m looking for a reason to cry.‘

Have you ever done something like this?

Whether due to care, pity, love, or any other ‘valid’ reason, allow others to suffer the consequences of making choices, or lack thereof. Repercussions come with lessons and negative reinforcement that can deter you from making poor decisions moving forward.

Furthermore, when you often save someone from their punishment or consequence, you may enable them to repeat the mistake, consciously or unconsciously. The sacrifice may be a form of self-sabotaging tendency.

3. Neglecting self-care when caring for others.

Please note that self-care and caring for others are mutually exclusive. It means that each can exist independently/interdependently; therefore, the former doesn’t have to affect the latter. The focus here is when the latter comes at the expense of the former.

They say you cannot pour from an empty cup; nevertheless, I’d like to differ with that a little bit; you can. The problem comes in the quality of what you are pouring and the effect on you and the other person.

If you find out that you become bitter, complainant, angry, or used, or you start giving half or a quarter of what you know you are capable of, that’s your sign to retract and fill yourself up. If you keep making sacrifices but all you feel are negative emotions, be keen to take care of yourself. You might be self-sabotaging.

Self-care looks different for different people depending on what’s important to you. For others, a bath does it, nature, an investment to secure your future, healthy relationships, affirmations, alone time, quality time with loved ones, sharpening skills, engaging your inner child, etc.

Taking care of yourself in whatever capacity connotes self-care as long as it does not lead to any known/unknown long-term negative consequences. Sacrificing is important for others but caring for yourself to give a better sacrifice is the best thing. That is a way to know you have a martyr complex.

Kindly share with us in the comments three things you do for your self-care.

4. Lack of Assertiveness

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Martyrs find it hard to say NO, and this infuses people-pleasing tendencies. As a result, you want to be there for everybody, everywhere, every time. You try to maintain a good image and reputation with everyone, even when hurt or feeling taken advantage of.

If you desire to make everyone happy and make everything work, even when it is causing you harm, you are dealing with a martyr complex. Do you sacrifice your happiness or comfort to accommodate everyone?

Have you ever found yourself saying yes to attending an event or outing you haven’t budgeted/planned for because you don’t want to disappoint your friend, knowing well that it will affect your monthly expenses? You are trying to save face, yet you know you’ll suffer later.

Do you see a reflection of yourself in any of the signs?

CAUSES OF MARTYR COMPLEX

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Advanced Childhood experiences

1. Abandonment Issues

Abandonment issues could originate from the lack of a parental figure/care. If your guardian or parent neglected you, you could get martyrs complex because you are trying to compensate for what you lacked. Owing to that, you put yourself in the line of fire because no one did that for you, and you know how it felt.

2. Abuse

Any emotional, physical, or psychological abuse can lead to martyr syndrome. When abuse happens, you become a different person due to trauma responses. As a result, you sacrifice yourself for others because it is ‘normal’ for you to go through hardship.

3. Parent/Firstborn syndrome

It is common in parents who care so much about their children (maybe in a way you weren’t cared for) that you don’t allow them to get hurt or do things independently. You sacrifice so much that you cease to have a life.

Consequently, waiting for your children to do the same for you and they don’t, you become angry, bitter, sad, unappreciated, etc. Caring for your child is paramount however, getting a balance between caring for them, teaching them independence, and having a life of your own, should be established.

Similarly, the same applies to firstborns who had to care for younger siblings. You become the deputy parent, or where the parents aren’t alive; you assume that role altogether.

You use all your resources to care for your family, leaving nothing for yourself and daily sustenance. Undoubtedly, this is common in African homes; it is called a “black tax.” Many people are dealing with very high levels of black tax that have left them with negative feelings about their families and loved ones.

Is that sacrifice or self-sabotage?

Low Self-Esteem 

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An underlying motivation of the martyr complex is validation from others. Low self-esteem and needing validation from others to complement your kindness, generosity, or doing the right thing causes a martyr complex. You sacrifice your feelings so that others can commend you.

In the martyr complex, as much as it is self-sacrificing and selfless, most times, it has nothing to do with the other person, but it has everything to do with you. Furthermore, you are sacrificing yourself to feel better about yourself or can obtain validation from others. It can be a silent type of show-off.

When others see what you are doing, they like you, appreciate and speak highly of you. These things motivate you to keep putting others first, even at your expense.

HOW TO OVERCOME MARTYR COMPLEX

Acceptance is the most important part. Besides, before you work on a fault, sickness/disease, or problem, you must acknowledge and accept that you have the problem. Being aware allows you to be open to dealing with it head-on.

Martyrs complex is a sacrifice but when not handled well, it grows into self-sabotaging behavior. Now that you know you have a martyr complex, you need to check your patterns and find out if that’s what you are struggling with.

If that’s the case, please accept it, therefore take responsibility for your condition. Take the necessary steps to ensure that you don’t stay stuck there.

1. Seek therapy

2. Set boundaries

   – By setting healthy boundaries, you can see where you are overstretching and give enough. It also allows you to bring out the best without draining yourself.

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3. Work on underlying issues

   – Establish the why behind the why. By finding out the root cause of the syndrome, for example, low self-esteem, you can make necessary choices on how to deal with low self-esteem.

4. Practice self-care

   – Taking care of your holistic well-being allows you to give the best version of yourself and not expect anyone to do the same to make you happy.  Self-care can look like allowing others to take responsibility for things they otherwise wouldn’t. Self-care could mean saying no to any self-sabotaging behavior like this complex. Whatever it takes, ensure you do it.

5. Seek help from others

   – Suffering has no guaranteed reward. Please understand that this does not imply that you will not enjoy an award if you are exhausted or stretched due to your hard work. When you are struggling alone, yet you can get help and support is not an accomplishment. Walk with a community and get support from your loved ones.

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To sum up, helping others, supporting your team, giving back to your family, and going out of your way is wonderful. All these aspects of sacrifice are great; however, are you doing it with the right motive?

Are you compensating for something? Do you expect an unspoken reward? Are you angry when others don’t give you? Are you doing it at the expense of yourself? Is it self-sabotaging? As you answer these questions in the comments, know you can overcome the odds.

Help is on the way.

Writer,

Sheila K. Muli