Have you ever been so heartbroken, insulted, disrespected, or betrayed that you started to experience physical pain? Your stomach starts to ache, your arms, you get a headache, and you feel your heart aching: a sharp, piercing pain. Let us explore how to deal with that emotional pain.

WHAT IS PAIN

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Pain is a sensation of physical or emotional discomfort caused by being hurt. According to the APA Dictionary, pain is unpleasant and uncomfortable.

Emotional pain is an uncomfortable sensation in your heart caused by an unseen wound. You feel it by actually experiencing it. At times, emotional pain can be so painful that it manifests physically.

Have you ever felt so bad that you feel like crying but cannot? You experience something cut so deep, and your body is reacting, your mouth is shaking, you are weak, tears are dropping uncontrollably (sometimes they aren’t), you are just staring into space and seeing nothing; it is like you have zoned out of this world. That is an effect of dealing with emotional pain: the unseen wound that hurts.

WHERE EMOTIONAL PAIN COMES FROM

1. Betrayal – When a loved one or someone you trust does not keep their word, breaks a commitment or promise or takes advantage of your trust, it will cause emotional pain.

2. Emotional abuse – Insults, disrespectful communication, manipulation, yelling, demeaning words(humiliation), patronizing, threatening, dismissive, emotional blackmail, cyberbullying, and any other forms of abuse that I have talked about in my article on emotional racketeering can cause this pain.

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3. Loss and Grief – The demise of someone you care about, the loss of a source of income, losing yourself ( this involves looking back at the person you are now compared to the one you are now, and you feel like you are worse, you are failing, slacking, etc. Kindly note that you are not comparing yourself with others; you are comparing yourself with who you were in the past).

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4. Broken relationships – Having strenuous relationships with someone you value is no mean fit. A wife or husband going through separation or divorce, break up of a boyfriend/girlfriend, friends and family disagreeing, issues with colleagues, any close relationship (at times, even not), but you still feel emotionally hurt.

5. Misunderstanding – Have you ever said something and the receiver takes it out of context, or the other person relays something exaggerated? How does that feel?

6. When loved ones are hurting – How do you feel when someone you love and care for is going through pain? When they are facing emotional hardships, work issues, physical illnesses, and even loss. It brings about emotional hurt because you want them to let go of that burden.

7. Loneliness – You know the pain you feel when you think, “I’m alone in this.” It is heartbreaking to hear someone say, “Shida zangu zote nadeal nazo pekee yangu,” loosely translated to, “I deal with all my problems by myself.” This generation takes pride in saying that while it is a sad thing to say or think.

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8. Guilt – There is a sadness or sorrow that comes from doing the wrong thing or not doing the right thing. At times, you even feel guilty when you take care of yourself in terms of setting boundaries.

Let us know any other causes of emotional pain that you go through.

HOW DOES IT AFFECT YOU?

Pain can change you. It affects people differently, depending on how you deal with that pain.

1. Withdrawal – Pulling back from people, doing certain activities, interactions, where you put effort to build, you no longer want to associate yourself with it.

2. Lack of trust – Due to pain caused by betrayal from a friend or unfaithfulness by your spouse, that pain can cause mistrust or anxious attachment styles when dealing with relationships.

3. Anxiety – Pain and agony can bring about stress, lack of peace, insomnia, and sweating, thus increasing your anxiety.

4. Isolation – It involves the absence of social interaction with others.

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5. Cognitive distortions like over-generalization – You start thinking that certain groups work the same; for instance, if an affluent boss mistreats you at work, you assume all rich people are the same. If you get heartbroken by a man, you perceive all men are just like him.

6. Anger outbursts

7. Physical sickness – Emotional pain can cause many physical issues and complications.

8. Fear – A common effect of pain is fear. Fear of interacting with certain people, commitment, going to certain places. Consciously or unconsciously, you avoid specific things.

UNHEALTHY WAYS OF DEALING WITH EMOTIONAL PAIN

Everyone has gone through pain at one point or the other. Do not think that you are in this alone. You may not have experienced what the other person has, but believe me, even I have gone through immense pain. The only way out of it is to deal with emotional pain.

Isolation

Completely detaching from social interaction creates room for self-pity and even thoughts of self-harm. Now that you are alone, you effortlessly believe your negative thoughts.

Escapism or avoidance

When you are physically ill, do you ignore the pain? Or do you take medication/go to the hospital to relieve the pain? What happens if you neglect it? It gets worse, then you start infecting others. Likewise, emotional pain works like that.

Substance abuse

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The use of drugs is a short-term solution. You take alcohol, pop pills, or whatever drug you use to numb that pain. When you get sober, the emotions will wait for you to process them.

Negative self-talk

When hurting, you start thinking of how worthless you are, how you deserve the pain you are experiencing, how your abusers are justified, and so on. That is not how to deal with emotional pain.

Fixation

Being stuck in the pain does not help either. Ruminating on the picture of what your partner did and replaying moments of pain is unhealthy. At times, the impact is so immense that it stays with you for a while; notwithstanding, fixating there for months will be detrimental.

Denial

When you don’t allow yourself to accept what has happened and face the issue, it is like leaving an open wound on your arm and saying that you do not see it. That only worsens the situation.

Physical altercations

Fighting and physically harming others can cause a reaction that would be detrimental forever. The majority of the people in jails committed crimes out of emotional pain. You hit another person, and they get severely hurt or even pass on, yet you would have handled the situation better. Violence is not a solution.

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You can use some coping mechanisms for short-term relief, but eventually, you must let it go to deal with it long-term. For instance, if you are dealing with someone who’s emotionally abusive, you can detach yourself from interacting with them as you deal with the emotional pain they have caused.

With that said, what other unhealthy coping mechanisms have you indulged in? Engage us in the comments.

HEALTHY WAYS OF DEALING WITH EMOTIONAL PAIN

1. Exercise and Recreation

2. Crying – Crying is a short-term way of dealing with pain as you first acknowledge that you are in pain. Accepting that you are ailing is a step toward getting any help.

3. Journaling – There are benefits of journaling. The article, Ten Surprising Benefits of Journaling tells you that journals are assets when dealing with emotional pain.

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4. Therapy – Psychotherapy and talking to a professional always helps you to streamline your thoughts, process them, have external support when it is hard, and even clear your mind.

5. Asking for support – You are created to be interdependent. When examining the hierarchy of needs, love and belonging is the third need. Being surrounded by people who understand your struggles, understand your challenges, desire to see you conquer the pain, and do not judge you for sharing your ailment is an asset when you deal with emotional pain.

6. Naming the problem – Identifying the exact feeling or emotional pain you are experiencing allows you to deal with the specific issue and find a solution. If you feel sad, you can tackle sadness; when you feel angry, you can look for anger management techniques.

7. Talk to someone – Sharing with someone you love allows them to support you because you become aware that they care for you and always help you break down your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.

DEAL WITH EMOTIONAL PAIN

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In summary, pain is inevitable. Each human being has experienced emotional hurt. How you deal with the pain determines how much it will cost you and your future.

There are long-term and short-term methods of dealing with every kind of pain. Use short-term techniques for a short period: if carried on for a long time, they become unhealthy.

An example is mental defense mechanisms: sublimation is a defense mechanism whereby you put your negative emotions to constructive use. Notwithstanding, long-term, if you do not deal with the underlying issue. You start escaping and avoiding it, and that becomes unhealthy.

With all that said, no pain is permanent. It may take a long time to deal with emotional pain, but you can heal from it and become better for it. Help is on the way. You can overcome the odds.

Do you want to experience self-actualization?

Write,

Sheila K. Muli

Counselor, Speaker and Trainer